Deathstalker (1983)

Hey, I didn't know an Arnold Schwarzenegger flick would wind up in my collection! ...Wait, what? This isn't an Arnie flick? What the heck?

I have no idea why on Earth they didn't hire the Arninegger for “Deathstalker.” The movie contains every element of an Arnie flick imaginable: a muscular male lead, a poor story, goofy direction, and about as many semi-convincing special effects as you can shake a stick at. However, like all Schwarzenegger movies, “Deathstalker” makes up for all of its shortcomings by being THE MOST ACTION-PACKED, TESTOSTERONE-FUELED ADRENALINE-FEST EVER!!! (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

However, there is a decisive difference between “Deathstalker” and the typical Arnie movie. When one directs a mega-blockbuster movie, that person has to be careful with just how far he's going to be taking certain aspects, particularly the role of women. Given that “Deathstalker” is a dollar-bin production, these limitations are utterly absent. As an example, the minuscule budget didn't allow for certain key female wardrobe items, such as clothes. The result is a movie that defines the word “woman” purely as “object,” even more so than your typical modern blockbuster. Team this aspect up with other unusual ones, and the finished product is not just an abrasive testosterone-fest; it's an abrasive testosterone-fest with a healthy side of humorously bizarre scenarios and characters.

Since the movie's called “Deathstalker,” you probably want to hear about about this Mr. Deathstalker himself, don't you? Deathstalker (Rick Hill) has all of the strength and brutality of your typical Schwarzenegger protagonist. However, whereas your typical Schwarzenegger protagonist is at least quasi-articulate, the moments where Deathstalker speaks full sentences can be counted on one hand. He's not soft-spoken in a badass way either. Regardless of intention, the movie does an excellent job at making its hero seem just slightly more intelligent than a Neanderthal. When time comes for Deathstalker to deliver heroic lines of dialogue, the character favors muttering 5-second pseudo-philosophical dialogues before taking off into the night.

On the other hand is Deathstalker's foil, Munkar (Bernard Erhard), a well-played and deliberately-evil character. Munkar knows exactly what he wants and isn't afraid to express his desires via a number of well-directed quintessential evil villain scenes. His makeup and wardrobe are done very well for a B-movie, the said “evil villain scenes” are spot-on, and he's an all-around compelling character.

The film starts off with a typical damsel-in-distress scene where Deathstalker comes in to save the day, no time wasted in establishing him as our heroic badass. Shortly after, a witch explains to him that Munkar holds two of the three main power artifacts holding the universe together. Furthermore, it is his destiny to retrieve these artifacts before the world collapses under the forces of evil. If this premise sounds a little bit like “The Legend of Zelda,” allow me to ensure you that this is not “The Legend of Zelda”: this is actually “Deathstalker.”

Through a number of thoroughly enjoyable and over-the-top action scenes, Deathstalker obtains the camaraderie of Oghris (Richard Brooker) and Karia (Lana Clarkson), two local warriors. Oghris informs Deathstalker about how the ailing Munkar is holding a massive fighting tournament - the winner inheriting Munkar's kingdom and all of his possessions. Once this is established, our three heroes venture into the mountains to take on this dangerous challenge.

At this point, “Deathstalker” promptly drops its already vague attempt at a storyline to treat you to a solid hour of violence, tits, sword fights, chronic overacting, a giant pig-human warrior, tits, executions, violence, tits, Munkar's giant sex pit, and tits. Did I also mention that “Deathstalker” features wanton amounts of violence and tits?

Chest thong. 'Nuff said.

Speaking of tits, a thoroughly amusing aspect of “Deathstalker” is its treatment of sexuality in general. As I've previously established, this flick's definition of “woman” is synonymous to “object.” However, when “Deathstalker” is called upon to bring that definition into perspective, our dollar-bin production team is confined to the limits of the MCAA. For example, Munkar does own a giant sex pit in which women are forced to mud-wrestle nude, but this is done in as tame a way as possible given the subject matter, and “Deathstalker” desperately attempts to make up for this in a number of different vastly entertaining ways.

For example, Karia the proud warrior is outfitted in the most ridiculous article of clothing you could imagine, her breasts exposed in such a way that the definition of “clothing” is thoroughly challenged. The action scenes, however, are what truly define “Deathstalker,” complete with excessive gore and a very cool execution scene.

If you're looking for a mindless, entertaining “beer with buddies” flick, then look no further. If you're looking for a story-driven action movie with emotionally-driven performances, a complex character net and good cinematography, however, you certainly won't find it in this one.