The Landlady (1998)

Hello, and welcome to cinematic hell! No, my friends, I'm not talking about the “terribly-directed/terribly-acted” type of cinematic hell where you feel like ripping your hair out with every poorly-delivered line, e.g. “The Room” or ”Birdemic." I'm talking instead about the type of cinematic hell where, by the end of the film, you feel disgusting, deprived of energy and completely aurally violated. Sound appealing? Great, let's dive right in!

Things start with a decently shot opening on a gloomy fall day in the middle of the quintessential small town. As generic minor-keyed piano music chimes in to establish that we are indeed watching a horror movie, we get a good look into the miserable life of our soon-to-be landlady, Melanie (Talia Shire). She enters the scene on an old, tottering bicycle and, shortly after, witnesses her husband having sex with another woman. The windows are inexplicably open, too, so we get the “treat” of watching two middle-aged actors having sex, complete with shots back to the curious woman's deadpan, wrinkled face as the other two actors reach release. While talking to herself feverishly, Melanie crawls onto her bicycle, riding away in her baggy, bizarrely patterned overalls.

After a few more disturbing scenes, Melanie moves into a dreary apartment complex that looks like it had crossed the space time continuum and is now simultaneously located in the worst part of downtown Detroit and the loneliest part of Montana. We're then introduced to a number of faceless side characters, including Patrick (Jack Coleman), a man who can only be described as the most average human being in the universe. Melanie immediately constructs an extremely convoluted plan to make Patrick hers, recklessly assassinating anybody she perceives to be standing in her way.

A hell of a setting to spend 95 entire minutes in, no?

If you already find yourself cringing in a mixture of shock and despair asking “Drew, why the hell are you subjecting us to this?” then you've already got a good idea of what this movie feels like. “The Landlady” is comprised of at least seventy-seven-thousand uncomfortable scenes and, strangely enough, what I've alluded to is just the tip of the iceberg. Another way that the flick establishes its dreary feel is through the scenery. The majority of “The Landlady” is spent in the abode that our frightening anti-heroine manages. Not only is the typical “poor-lighting, shitty paint job” deal there, but spending such a long time in this cramped setting creates an overarching sense of claustrophobia for the audience.

It's obvious that from the very start, this film's goal is to do little more than relentlessly hammer you with feelings of filth, degradation, and general manic disturbance, much in the vein of more successful cult movies such as “Combat Shock” and “Naked Lunch.” There are right and wrong ways to meet this goal, however, and that is where “The Landlady” falls hard.

“The Landlady” has a single fatal flaw that is so obvious, it borderlines on absolutely ridiculous: Talia Shire's character is the only interesting thing about this movie. Side characters, dynamic direction, pacing, and the story itself are all thrown right out the window as “The Landlady” sells you Shire's character with all its might. The lead actress is known for her roles in “Rocky” I-V and “The Godfather” I-III but she's surrounded by a cast of actors whose prime achievements go no further than prime time dramas. This shows as the movie progresses. The head director of "The Landlady" is a fellow by the name of Robert Malenfant and, as I look over his resume, it comes as no surprise that it consists almost entirely of straight-to-TV films. So when you take a seasoned actress and put her in the hands of a strictly unseasoned director, things are bound to take a nosedive.

Let me paint you the picture: Melanie is snooping through Patrick's apartment, talking to herself and wearing Patrick's clothes while staring longingly at his childhood photos. At this point, Patrick, unbeknownst to her, has re-entered his apartment. Melanie barely escapes being caught by taking refuge behind the wall leading to the hallway Patrick is standing in. Under the direction of someone with more talent, this scene would be great. However, this scene lacks a sense of tension, climax, and the fluctuations that would indicate that the director is attempting to create drama. There are a lot of scenes like this, many of which simply look like the crew didn't have the time to finish and edit them properly.

This is not what a person looks like
while being held at gunpoint.

The most unpardonable sin that this movie commits, however, is casting Melissa Behr as Liz, Jack's troubled love interest. Behr's acting credits [to the point of this movie] included nothing more than various TV spots and the occasional forgettable drama movie. The woman has the grueling conviction of Kristen Stewart. Behr's deadpan, zombified acting is coupled with Shire's over-the-top (almost Tommy Wiseau-esque) performance – an ultimate recipe for disaster. The result is so painful you're going to want to get off of your chair and scream at your television. Behr may as well have been sight-reading her lines. She has no emotional investment in her scenes whatsoever.

And let's not even get into the third act which pulls away from our anti-heroine completely. The ensuing half hour is nothing more than a pain in the ass to sit through. The secondary characters haven't been fleshed out at all, so asking the viewer to care about their boring, daily ordeals is pretty obnoxious. I don't care about Patrick's court job and how he has to represent a desperate, deadbeat mother. I'd rather be watching Melanie holding him in bondage in her apartment and whispering lines to him that are so fucked up, I have to grab my hair to keep from vomiting profusely.

As this review comes to a close, I have to re-emphasize the obvious: “The Landlady” is a flick that is drastically divided between its good aspects and its bad ones. Frank Rehwaldt (he wrote on “The Osbournes”, for Christ's sake!) creates a number extremely compelling scenes that are frequently ruined by the god-awful direction. Talia Shire creates a brutal yet cohesive character who is all but dragged face first through the dirt by horrific casting. When push comes to shove and Malenfant is given a final scene that isn't particularly great in the writing department, he is absolutely unable to redeem himself, shitting out an ending that exceeds the ending to the 2005 remake of “War of the Worlds” in suckality.

Don't get me wrong; “The Landlady” doesn't totally suck. Melanie is an exceptional character and the pervading sense of dread is quite impressive. Unfortunately, these two things are truly the only good things about this movie. The endless missed opportunities throughout “The Landlady” outweigh these aspects in spades.