This movie sucks.
The
above is a perfectly accurate, all-encompassing review of "Evils
of the Night." However, I have to write an overly long
interpretation of why it sucks because that's my job and, if I
didn't, my editor Zeke would have my ass on a platter.
 |
| This is what 58% of the first thirty minutes of this movie looks like. I actually researched that statistic. You're welcome. |
That sounds like a
pretty interesting movie, right? With such a storyline, you would
easily assume something along the lines of “Wow, this should turn
out well!” Well, “Evils of the Night” not only fails to deliver
the madcap lunacy you'd expect; it also fails to hold the audience's
interest in any way, shape or form.
We
open in the forest with a lake that the teenagers are camping out in.
The opening relies heavily on sex and nudity. The writers forgot that
sex and nudity are not enough to keep the attention of any viewer
that is not a fucking idiot and this flaw carries on for quite a
while. (In fact, 58% of
the first 30 minutes of
this movie are centered around sex and nudity).
In any
case, once the first 8 minutes of nothing but
sex and nudity are tossed aside, it cuts to the abandoned hospital.
It's revealed that the aliens need live bodies in order to experiment
with lifespan extension. This is explained offhandedly by a monotone
lab assistant in one singular sentence. We're not given any of the
aliens' names or the history of their race. First missed opportunity.
In the meantime, we
see two female aliens acting quite flirtily; one grips the other's
thigh, looking at her seductively. Instead of taking a decent route
with this and perhaps exploring the social aspect of lesbianism,
these two aliens are never examined again. Second missed opportunity.
After that, we cut
back to the evening campfire where we're given a better look at our
main characters. Despite having absolutely no individual
personalities, they do happen to be “characterized” by a couple
of traits. Brian is the stubborn one, Connie is the stupid one, Ron
and Nancy are engaged, and Heather has no redeeming qualities
whatsoever. Each of the actors have zero conviction and the topics
they converse about over the campfire are as interesting as Martha
Stewart's personal schedule on a Thursday afternoon. Third missed
opportunity. Oh, hey look, another sex scene!
The abduction
scenes are mediocre at best. The typical formula for these scenes (there are a lot of them) go
as follows: Pitch-black background, 30 seconds of dramatic buildup, one scream, and one act
of brutality. Even the production team falters in this area: when
Aldo Ray hits Brian in the head with a 2x4, for example, there are no
bone-crushing sound effects. In fact, there are no violent sound
effects in these scenes at all. Fifth missed opportunity.
 |
| Interestingly, I actually played a small part in this movie. I was a guy who watched a shitty movie in the middle of the woods. |
It isn't until hour
into the movie for things to really start to develop. Sixth missed
opportunity. At this time, amazingly, we're treated to a decent
scene. The three remaining campers wind up tied in the back room of
the auto shop. When one of the idiot mechanics comes down to make out
with Connie, the two of them have a power struggle. This is where the
three campers exhibit some form of personality. However, using
this 15-minute scene as rationale to say that “Evils of the Night”
is better than I said before is similar to taking a shit on someone's salad and then
informing him that you have great desserts.
Absolutely devoid
of interest, imagination, originality or talent in any conceivable
way, “Evils of the Night” may as well have been titled “Elevator
Music: The Movie.” I could say that it's better watched with
friends and alcohol... however, the only way I could imagine enjoying
this movie would be to drink so much alcohol that I pass out.
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