Kickboxer From Hell (1992)

“Kickboxer from Hell” should be used in college media courses to teach students how not to make a film. When I started Cinemartyr, I never thought I'd find a movie that was funny, interesting, abhorrent and boring simultaneously. In terms of directional competence, this movie definitely scratches the bottom of the bottom of the barrel due to its utter disregard for the rules of both cinema and reality.

This film is directed by Godfrey Ho, a Chinese director known as the Ed Wood of Chinese cinema. The man has a signature formula for creating movies: 1) Make your own new movie; 2) Gather footage of old/lost movies; 3) Combine the results of previous two steps and attempt to make a coherent production.

This approach would obviously take a deft hand to execute appropriately. Instead, our director is Godfrey Ho. For the entire 90 minutes of “Kickboxer from Hell,” you are distinctly aware that you're watching two movies at once. The result is a “movie” that would be nearly impossible to review in a linear fashion. Instead, the movie should be broken into two parts which I'll dub “Movie A” and “Movie B.”

“Movie A” is an American kung fu movie about Sean, a man who has 

"They want to sacrifice me to Satan!"
"Awwh! That's horrible!"

committed his life to the art of kickboxing. One day while training, he meets a nun named Sophia who is being pursued by Lucifer and his powerful kung fu warriors. After defeating said warriors, there's an extremely clumsy cut to a living room where Sophia explains to Sean that one of her fellow nuns, Sister Ilene, is also being pursued. One would think that this would be a cause for concern for our warrior devoted to protecting others with his skills. Instead, Sean exhibits absolutely no form of shock, disbelief, or anything. The two have an entirely emotionless, monotone discussion about how Lucifer's warriors want to sacrifice Sophia to Satan. After a slight disagreement about the role of violence, Sean calmly states he is not interested in helping her and leaves the room. None of this is set to any music. Perfection.

We then cut to the Underworld, inhabited by Lucifer and his minions who are clad in potato sacks and wearing face paint. Lucifer himself is a dude in his mid-30's who looks like a cross between King Diamond and The Joker. He has the vocal patterns of a depressed Mandark. His laughs are particularly poorly done. Simply speak the phrase “Ha, ha, ha, ha!” to yourself right now. If you're an adult male, the chances are you've just replicated a piece of his performance.

Lucifer is aided by Scorpion, a lanky, super-stylish fellow with short red hair, a faux leather jacket and a pair of Aviators. Scorpion's job is to be the movie's Chuck Norris; he kicks ass and takes names all throughout “Movie A” right up until the final minutes. He employs multiple weapons and fighting styles, but not too much kickboxing, surprisingly enough.

The funny thing about “Movie A” (and “Kickboxer from Hell” in general) is that in the past the paragraphs, I have exaggerated nothing. The above doesn't even begin to describe how conventionally bad “Movie A” is. Piss poor production values and non-existent character development abound. Most importantly, the acting is terrible. Do you remember when you had to do those crappy little stage plays in elementary school? That's honestly the caliber of acting we're talking here.

Let's talk about “Movie B” now. Whereas “Movie A” is the main source of the film's awful acting, this is the main source of its awful special effects. “Movie B” is a dubbed Japanese ghost movie about Ilene's troublesome honeymoon with her new husband Robert. As it opens, Ilene and Robert are walking along a shoreline. We're conveniently informed that Ilene has “given up” being a nun and is now quite content with her life. There goes that plot point. Ilene is later woken up in the middle of the night by an “evil” cat. It doesn't harm Ilene or Robert; however, via the magic of bad special effects, it jumps right onto the pillow that Robert attempts to hit it with before jumping across the room and out the window. We abruptly cut to Robert and Ilene's mansion.

Lots of artificial-ish mood light coloring and... stuff.

Anybody aware of 2000's era American remakes of foreign horror films should be right at home with the downright lunacy going on in “Movie B.” When “Movie B” shifts to displaying the ghost in its humanoid form, we get some hysterical scenes. For example, one night, Ilene wakes up in the middle of the night and walks down to the kitchen by herself. After noticing a noise in the dining room, the terror music slowly ramps up and the ghost suddenly introduces herself. “Want some watermelon?” Ilene turns and screams in terror as a ghostly figure laughs hysterically, a slice of watermelon in her hands and a red mood-light shining directly on her face.

I can't truly speak for the actors' performances in “Movie B” because of the awful dubbing but, for the most part, they carry themselves with a fair amount of conviction. It pains me to imagine that legitimate Japanese actors put forward an earnest effort at some point that was somehow transformed into what I am now reviewing.

Interactions between “Movie A” and “Movie B” are exceedingly rare. Rather than using “B”'s dubbing to glue the two movies together, Ho attempts to mash the two storylines using wildly disparate cutting techniques that are more confusing than anything. In “Movie B,” there are zero references to Ilene's established camaraderie with Sophia. In fact, I can only remember two moments in “Kickboxer from Hell” where a character from “A” even speaks about a character from “B.”

Don't look at me like I've spoiled
anything for you; a movie this
stupid couldn't possibly muster
an original ending.

Also, while “A” and “B”'s storylines nearly never touch for the entirety of “Kickboxer from Hell,” the moments where they do come together are utterly disorienting. The movie concludes with a sequence from “A” where Lucifer is defeated. That's where the movie ends. Vital plot lines from both “A” and “B” are abruptly thrown to the wayside, the movie practically shouting, “Well, as long as Lucifer has been defeated, everything is a-okay!”

In summation, aside the fact that there is little kickboxing, “Kickboxer from Hell” bizarrely lives up to its title. It is a stupid, hysterically awful film that assaults the audience's intelligence from the first second to the last. The acting in “A” is unspeakably abysmal. Even the audio of this AMERICAN ENGLISH PORTION is slightly behind the video, making it appear dubbed. The ghost effects in “B” are hilarious - not even 2006's masterpiece of awfulness “One Missed Call” is this loony half the time.

Honestly, if you enjoy Cinemartyr but are too lazy to take a look at all these movies, do yourself a favor and just buy this one. It features every “aspect of badness” I've ever covered on this blog and it's a great drinking movie, too. HIT IT UP.

Amazingly, Cinemartyr does enjoy a (very) small amount of new viewers from time to time. Therefore, I will re-explain why this week's header is all yellow and award-like. It's because this movie has won an award (GASP!). As the writer of this blog, I give "Kickboxer From Hell" the "Downright Disorienting" award; said honor is only given to films that are extreme explorations of human mindfuckery. Congratulations!